DIVA / VICTIM / BULLY

One would think after having taught for twenty-nine years you’d have seen everything. Wrong. Yesterday, our last day of classes, Samuel was suspended within ten minutes of the beginning of the day.

Samuel was acting inappropriately. Nothing new with that. His behavior was always much worse when he was off his meds. This last week of school was not the week to be unmedicated. Even with his meds Samuel was one of the most hyper-active students I’ve ever had, but he could be funny and charming, and good-grief the kid was bright. Samuel could be delightful. Being hyper-active myself I have a pretty high tolerance level for high-energy children, but Samuel went far over the line yesterday.

Samuel will probably make a great actor, and yesterday’s re-run of his (future) Academy Award Winning Diva/Victim/Bully performance will go down in history. Each performance is a little different, with his lightning change from Diva to Victim to Bully. Samuel is dazzled by himself. It never loses its fascination.

The students had been advised earlier in the year that the worst and stupidest thing they can say to an adult is to use that sneering tone of voice and yell, “What? What? I didn’t do nothing!” The intention is to intimidate the adult. Yea. This, accompanied with by the gangsta-type arm gestures. Pul-eeze.

That was the act that Samuel decided to pull. I instructed him to go to another classroom. The rule is once you’re calmed down you can come back. All’s forgiven. However, Samuel’s performance continued with the kicking of a chair, the throwing of his back-pack, but the topper was cursing at me. The class sucked in their breath, and I said, “Nope, you’re going to the -” He cut me off, still swearing, and complaining that everyone was against him. Standard operating procedure for a full fledged Diva/Victim/Bully. The class wasn’t even upset because they had seen this act many, many times before, but today, the cherry on top was the cursing at me. He stormed off to the office where the drama stepped up a notch. The principal was not amused. Same verse, same as the first.

Samuel was suspended from school the last day of sixth grade, and he will always believe it’s my fault. That is the world of the Diva/Victim/Bully. Their handbook states very, very clearly that you never, ever take responsibility. Taking responsibility is never allowed by the Diva/Victim/Bully. To say, “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, or “Please forgive me”, would cause them to melt away like the Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz.”

Does any of this seem eerily familiar? Hint: Rosie O’Donnell as the Diva/Victim/Bully on this past week’s program, “The View”. Rosie is funny and charming, and good-grief, she is bright. She is a woman of amazing talent, marvelous wit, and famous generosity, but she said people would see her as a “big, fat lesbian.” That is not true. That’s not how I see her, and I’m sure most reasonable people would agree with me. But Rosie is pulling a Samuel and being a Diva/Victim/Bully. I half-expected Rosie to say, “You’ll be sorry if I die, and it’ll all be your fault!”

Earlier in the year when Samuel, unmedicated again, was having a tantrum, one my students said, “This is getting old.” Rosie, this is getting old.

But what do you do with a Diva/Victim/Bully? Please understand the Diva/Victim/Bully really, truly, in his or her heart of hearts absolutely, positively does not see anything wrong with his or her behavior. Nothing! It is everybody else. It is always somebody else. That is the D/V/B mantra. They believe that with every ounce of their being, and in the meantime, they make life unbearable for everyone who has to live or work or teach them. You will often hear them say, “Payback time,” only it’s not a joke.

What do you do? You don’t play with them anymore. Is that it? Yep. Don’t play. Don’t get mad. Don’t shout. Forgive them for they prefer to know not what they do. Remember the old saying about “negative attention is better than no attention”? No attention is death to a Diva/Victim/Bully. To be the star of your own drama is to be real and alive. Everyone MUST pay attention to you.

We all have Diva/Victim/Bullies in our lives and they can suck the life right out of you. Don’t feel sorry for them, because they win. Don’t respond to their drama, because they win. When you let them walk all over you, they win. The only way to win is to not play (kind of like the lottery.)

Don’t enable them. Diva/Victim/Bullies really need enablers, or sycophants, unless that is something that you choose to do. The Diva/Victim/Bully won’t love you for it. You must only love them. Remember they are the star.

To all the Diva/Victim/Bullies, this has gotten old. We don’t want to play anymore.