Parents as Bullies, Part I

The day before Thanksgiving I had a parent come into my classroom and put my students and me in danger. In fact, according to Arizona state Law, she committed a crime. My students knew something bad was happening and I had seconds, literally, to decide how to react. Most of the kids scattered out of her way knowing the mom has, and will continue to harass anyone who she believes has not complied with her endless demands of entitlement for her challenged child, the poor kid. I chose to not react, thinking that remaining calm would send a message to the students and defuse the parent's furious anger. The mother left, triumphant. SHE had shown me. I acted like nothing happened.


The children in my class are, in fact, very good and kind to this boy and are actually protective of him. They include him in play, even though it is like having a demanding five-year-old involved. This boy really does not know better, but has shown enormous improvement academically and socially. This is the best group of students I have ever had and the only problem I have had was one with this challenged boy. Actually, the problem was with another teacher but I was left holding the “discipline bag”, so to speak. That was where the problems started with mom.



In mainstreaming this boy, his IEP (Individual Educational Plan which is a federal mandate for all special education students) states that if the child breaks school rules the consequences will be the same as other children, that is, detention. Mom disagreed to the point of verbally attacking me and, her usual threat, of calling her lawyer. Deciding that this was not worth the fight I said we would handle it the way she wanted. Her decision? To have him go to detention, which he never actually served. This was where the abuse towards me started.


To make a long story short, an endless stream of demands that were far outside his IEP began, and abusive and accusatory emails began, including things she made up. I was told that nothing really could be done, and to please put up with these things. I agreed as I thought it best for the child. Things escalated until the day before Thanksgiving.



I will spare you the details of the incident, but because no one ended up being physically injured the reaction was, “How can it be abuse if no one was physically harmed?” According to state law the INTENT was there which makes it a crime and since it took place in a classroom, a felony.



This past week there was an episode of Dr. Phil where parents told stories of teachers bullying students. I know that things like that happen. We all do, and it must stop. Interestingly, I was only able to Google two articles that addressed parents bullying teachers. (I guess this will be the third.) Where this woman crossed the line was the danger that she put my students in. I can't even imagine HER reaction had another parent behaved as she did.



In talking with others about this, almost all the teachers I know have been bullied by parents. My sister, who teaches in an expensive private school, says that bullying parents are not that unusual (parents who put teachers and students in physical danger are something that has not happened at her school. Her school seems to believe that isn't abuse, either.) Most teachers tell me that they comply with the demands of bullying parents. I have had only one other parent in 31 years who was a bully (he owned a collection agency so I chalked that up to the normal way he talked with everyone.)



Here is my question to my readers (not to you who DO know the details), what do you think of this? How would you react as a teacher? As a parent? What should be the consequences? I surely do not want to advocate a victim mentality here, but I have a feeling that what took place in my classroom, that is, endangering and reckless behavior, is not that unusual.



What do you think? Please let me know.

The Sad and Untimely Passing of Mabel the Beagle

Below is the email I sent to my blogfriend, Neva. Neva and I have never met in person but her care and support has been unconditional. Here are the emails we exchanged, I put them in the order from first to last:

Our dear Mabel was put to sleep an hour ago; less than 6 hours after this ordeal began and yesteday she apperaed to be fine.C.H. and I took her to the emrgency vet clinic immediately. At first she thought it was pancreatitis, and we left Mabel there to be x-rayed and for them to do blood work. The doctor did not know what was wrong with her at first but after x-rays suspected a tumor on her spleen. She wanted to do surgery to find out if the tumor was benign or malignant. In the meantime we would have to bring her home and wait a week for the results and chances that it was malignant were very high. None of the options were good for Mabel. We called back and forth trying to decide what to do. The doctor was very honest in her statistics and all was very bad. I said I would make the decision to put her to sleep. The surgery would just put her in more pain. When I called the doctor back the first thing she said was, "You've made the right decision." When C.H. and I went back to be with her, her condition had worsened. She was hemorrhaging badly, which meant that surgery would NOT have been the answer. The doctor said that probably what happened this morning was that she started to hemorrhage, then that initial hemorrhaging relieved her some what, then when it started again it became apparent that she would not make it. It is unbelievable that all this started at 6:15 this morning. I said dear, perfect Mabel deserved dignity.

Only another dog lover would undertsand.

From Neva:

OH Liz.....I am sooo so sorry.....it sounds like the right thing to do for Mabel....but how hard was that?? It is so hard to make a decision when you value your pet and I know when Mason died ( in our kitchen I might add) it was not a pretty picture and lacking in dignity as well...not to mention how ill he must have felt......If you need to talk ...I am here......hugs your way....Love neva

To Neva:

Thank you so much for the comforting words. The doctor had said of one of the possible (bad, and they were all bad) outcomes was that she might have another 4 - 6 weeks. Another dog to die around Christmas? No.


The unbelievable thing was that it all happened so fast. When we got to the vet's offcie to put Mabel to sleep she was dying at that point. Neither C.H. or Gary wanted to say "put her to sleep" and I knew somebody had to say it. Here is another thing, it truly wasn't the money either. I thought if money were absolutely no object what would I do, and yes, it was a good chunk, but we dog lovers know that we will do whatever needs to be done for our pets. That's part of having a pet. It's the bargain we strike with out pets, even though they never actually signed on. It is the unwavering trust they put in us. The bottom line was that no one wanted Mabel to suffer needlessly and putting a sick dog through surgery wouldn't have been for her, it would have only been to relieve our own guilt.

My Students Eye-Witness to Historic Election

Our school's library is a voting place. There is only one class room between the parking lot and the library and that is my class room. My students probably won't even be able to use our door due to the expected crowds. Talk about visual aids! Even though they will not be voting I know the most powerful lesson will be seeing the thousands of people lined up outside their 6th grade class room to vote.

I can hardly wait.

A Puzzling Parent/Teacher Conference

Below is part of an email I sent my daughter. The child in the following email is new to our school. He has a large blended family and a step - sibling in 6th grade, whom he has never lived with. These children are not allowed to play together because my student, "Justin" (not his real name) has been a bully and too rough. Justin's mother has been mad at our school because the study team denied her request for granting a 504 plan to her child who has an insulin pump.



"My conferences went very well. The only sad thing was the conference of Justin, the diabetic boy, who had been such a pill since the first of the year. I had advised his mother at the beginning of the year that he needed to change his attitude, and miraculously he did a 180 degree turn around especially since he has learned to love reading. I had emailed the mom about three weeks ago to tell her that Justin's attitude and academics were improving enormously. You remember that I always ask the kids to come along with their parents to the conference. She told me he was scared to come! I told her that was surprising as I had told him that it was going to be a very good conference. At the conference I told the mom that in all my years of teaching I had never seen a child's attitude toward school change so much. Here's what is so weird, and I do not know what to make of it, she didn't react at all. Her indifference was deafening. This is the same woman who was willing to do (and I hate this term, too) whatever it takes to see that her son get his 504 plan. I told her too, that since the attitude change his diabetes was much more under control. Her supposed great interest in her child's health absolutely was not there. It was cold, cold, cold; like an over-the-top character from a Mary Higgins Clark novel, but this was real. "



Why would this mother not be happy for her child?

My First Deleted Post

I wrote a post that was supposed to be a vent, but it was close to being mean-spirited. Not horrible or vicious just whiny and self-pitying.

Have you ever written a post and then deleted it? My deleted post is probably somewhere out in cyber-world. We all know that whatever goes into cyber world is there forever. Would I suffer great shame because of it? Probably not, but as my dear old mother used to say, "Don't ever put in writing anything you don't want the whole world to see." That was long before the blogs. How very wise. I really didn't want the whole world to see that post.

You read it here first.

Last winter when the sub-prime mess started its domino-like collapse I suggested maybe something good would come out of this mess. This last week we saw the financial markets implode, too. Am I still willing to say something good will come out of this? You betcha!


Maybe, just maybe all those folks who wanted to be wealthy and are now out of a job might think about going into teaching (or any of the helping professions, for that matter.) When I went to college in the 1960’s, yes I AM that old; women went into teaching, nursing or business. The ones with business degrees became secretaries and were often more educated than their bosses. I went into teaching because I came from a family of teachers, actually from generations of teachers going all the way back to Prudence Crandall, one of America’s most famous educators.

We were often told in our education classes that “You don’t go into education for the money.” Now I would guess professors could tell their students, “You can go into teaching because they will always need teachers.” It could be that there might even be a teacher glut, as happened when I graduated in 1970. Also, here in Arizona we were told, jokingly (or not), that we were paid in sunshine. Actually, we were paid far below the national average. The districts in the teacher glut days were in the position of the business, financial and computing worlds of the last couple of decades, of being able to pick the best of the best and for a few years, being a teacher was a job of respect.


Maybe this is coming full circle. Now (most teachers my age have taken early retirement) age is actually on my side and I get the respect that older folks used to get. My students and parents know that I am teaching because I want to, not because I have to.


Young people entering college, and perhaps those who have lost their jobs in the business, financial and computing worlds, will decide that teaching is a secure job. Yes, my job is secure, but, and I know I keep saying this, it is a job where the perks never show up in the paycheck.


Yesterday, my husband and I went to Subway where a former student who was working there called out to me. I asked her if she was going to college, because I have always pushed higher education. “You said I had to! Remember? And boy, you were right!” Sweet words. Maybe she’ll decide to teach.

Planning Time (or Previous Blog, Part II)

Here are some updates, of sorts, from the previous blog:


We are finding out that most schools in our district have a supervised recess time, usually 3 to 5 times a week. Our principal says that the teachers complained they needed blocks of time to teach and were given that. I think that there was some miscommunication. No one knew they were giving up our 3 time a week recess. On Tuesday and Thursday we have no break after P.E., which is first thing in the morning. We then go 3 1/2 hours straight until lunch. It's a long haul.

Junior high and high school teachers get the 1/2 before and after school prep time, plus a full 50 minute period EVERY day. Our 30 minute specials are really 20 minutes because we, of course, have to walk our kids back and forth. Also, we lose an additional 30 minutes prep time per week due to duty schedule.

I knew when I started teaching, in 1970, that it wasn't easy, but the paper work has become enormous and absolutely everything MUST be documented. I have an Autistic child in my class which means he has a 504 aid with him. She, however, is not my classroom aid. She is entitled - by state law - to a 15 minute break every day. She does not have to go with him to specials. Why am I not entitled to that same break? Oh yes, teachers don't go to the bathroom.

I know there are many of teachers who are strictly from the book and never create any of their own materials. I can't do that, so I suppose I could get back a lot of time that way, but the students and I would be catatonic. The results from tailoring the material make it worth it to me.

Would I go into teaching today? I truly do love what I do. It is so enormously gratifying. I do feel I make a difference. The public doesn't respect teaching because so many teachers don't respect themselves or value what they do. Yes, I would still teach. It is my calling.

ATTENTION ALL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHERS!

Here are my questions:
(1.) What are your specials (P.E., Music, Art and Media Center/Library) and how often do you have them?
(2.) Do your students have a recess? (Not including lunch recess.)
(3.) Is it a daily recess?
(4.) Morning or afternoon, (gulp?) both?
(5.) Does an aid supervise or do you supervise your own students?
(6.) How much planning time do you get per day/week?
(7.) Are there days when you you get no am or pm breaks?
(8.) Do you have a computer lab?
(9.) Do you have a full time person to run the computer lab?

Here are my answers to the above questions:
(1.) P.E. - one half hour, twice a week
Music, one half hour, once a week
Art, one hour, every other week but on Monday so we lose quite a number to Monday holidays.
Media Center/Library, one half hour, once a week
(2.) One 15 minute recess every other week on the Monday we don't have Art.
(3.) No daily recess.
(4.) Neither
(5.) No recess
(6.) Planning time: 30 minutes before and after school, and the days we have specials. A total of 7 1/2 per week. (These include the times for specials.)
(7.) The Mondays we don't have Art we have no breaks from 7:50 -12:05.
(8.) We have a computer lab.
(9.) We have no one to help in the computer lab.

Please let me know. If I just put in that time I would never get anything done. As with most teachers I come in very early and stay very late and more often than not work on weekends. That is the way it has always been. However, we used to have a 15 minute supervised recess everyday and it was necessary for both the teachers and the kids. Now that is gone. Maybe we were just terribly spoiled.
P.S. For those of you who say to quit my bitching because I ONLY work 9 months of the year, I would remind you that I don't work a 40 hour week. It is, as with most teachers, at least 60, and we now work 10 months. By the way, I spent 2 weeks of my summer vacation taking classes that were required for my certification. I did not get paid for them, either. The best part of the job is, of course, the kids. There are few jobs that have that benefit.

A Sad Day for Public Schools

One of the teachers at our school came in to talk with me. She commented about a list of words I had on the board. I explained it was one of our language lessons where the class had brainstormed about words that were trite, words like cute, nice, awesome were among the most obvious. We filled up the board and the kids came up words that were insightful and clever, for example, the sarcastic, "What?What?", always said in a sneering manner. They understood that it had become overused and meaningless. The journal entry for the next day was for the students to listen for people using trite words. Lastly, the kids used their thesauruses to look up words to replace their favorite trite words. The lessons, quite obviously, were about raising their awareness of trite words and how they do little to foster written and spoken communication. The kids got it and were genuinely surprised at how often we use trite words. The teacher continued to look at the board and finally said, "What does that mean? What does trite mean?" This woman is probably in her thirties and was more than likely taught by teachers who didn't know how to write. Teachers who didn't have a love of language and its nuances. I can't blame her, but I can honestly say that for just a second I thought she was joking, but no, she didn't know what trite meant. It makes criticism of public schools valid. It also made me feel immensely sad.

Husband at IKEA - Not as Whiny as Usual

I think for every ten trips to Home Depot there should be at least one trip to IKEA. Right now the Gary owes me 257 trips to IKEA. Okay, a slight exaggeration.


Gary hates IKEA. He doesn't like their style of furniture, or, in fact their style of anything. After several trips to promising places, even William Sonoma, we haven't had any luck finding a stainless steel dish drainer to go in the sink, a stainless steel electric can opener (under the cabinet-type), or stainless steel paper -towel holder to replace the pathetic plastic one (and the only type available eons ago) under the cabinets. We finally decided to try IKEA. No luck. We did find a stainless steel tea-pot, and two pillow shams, but nothing else. I am getting close to not caring. I will have to do more Internet searching.


Nevertheless, Gary griped through the entire store, but he didn't gripe as much as usual and he didn't complain that any part of his body hurt. That practically made the trip a success. We have become the older couple when we go out. At least we still talk when we go out to eat.


The problem is there has to be some equity. Gary needs to learn to not be so whiny when we go to my stores, and I will continue to be my cheerful self when we trek over to Home Depot.

Happy First Day of Kindergarten, Tom

Dear Thomas,

I wish I could be there for your first day of Kindergarten. I know you will do wonderfully and make lots of new friends (as you always do.) This is a new chapter in your young life and a new chapter for all of us. You are my first grandchild in Kindergarten. The time will fly. Have fun and learn to love to learn.

I love you and am so proud of you,
Love,
Nana Lizzie

Bullying, the Series, Part I - Sarcasm

Most people think they know bullying. They don’t. Movies and television have made the stereotypical bully a literal character. Think Eddie Haskell of “Leave It To Beaver.” The truth is bullies know how to fly below the radar. I will show you how to spot bullies. The following applies to elementary schools through college and to ANY workplace or home environment on planet earth. You might even be a bully and not be aware that you speak “Bullyease”.


Sarcasm

Bullies are sarcastic towards people. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place for sarcasm, but not towards others, and especially never toward children.

A favorite expression of bullies is:
“I was just kidding,”

or, it’s evil twin;

“Can’t you take a joke?”

When people use those pathetic excuses, vacate the premises. Sarcasm, such as the joking or kidding variety contains one or all of these four intentions:

-to be hurtful
-to feel superior
-to be right and therefore make someone else wrong
and
to humiliate.

Next time someone says to you “I was just kidding,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” look them in the eye and ask, “What exactly is your intention?” because I can bet it will be one of the above reasons. Bullies sputter and bluster and immediately try to put you on the defensive, which is one the very favorite weapons in bullyworld. You can then say, “That’s what I thought.”

Yes, there is a time and a place for sarcasm; the weather, egotistical public figures, the economy, politics, greedy companies that exploit for profit, are all fair targets for sarcasm. However, too often sarcasm is a pathetic replacement for wit and humor. The vast majority of the time sarcasm is mean-spiritedness in a sorry clown costume.

The mean-spirited, humiliating, righteously indignant and hurtful sarcasm has been banned from my classroom and home for years. I haven’t missed it.

Sheesh! What about Free Speech?

Word came down in our district that we can't blog because the news media combs the district email and blogs to find good stories. They certainly have the right to look at any of my district emails as that is all public information. Our district has industrial-strength firewalls so that I couldn't look at THIS blog at school if I wanted to. They even block ALL the graphics on Wikipedia. (However, they haven't managed to keep the pesky pornographic emails from coming in. I have to make sure there are no students around when I open my email as the latest ads for "enhancements" are there for all to see.) The district can't prevent us from blogging. Surely they know that. Our district doesn't seem to understand that we may write what we please in our blogs, but we certainly must be mindful no to slander, libel or plagiarize. Is there really anyone who doesn't understand that? Evidently not.



I haven't written anything in my blog that I would be embarrassed to have any one of my students see. If I have written about a student I have changed his/her name. My dear old mother always said, "Don't put anything down in writing you don't want the whole world to see." She said that decades ago, long before there was an inkling of a world wide web.



If anyone from any news outlet should happen to stumble upon my little blog and find a good story, please share it with the world, and yes, my district should most certainly keep their noses out of my blog and stick it .... whoops. (That was not going to be a child-friendly comment. ) It sounds like some tech people have entirely too much time on their hands.

Is this a coincidence?

My sixth grade girls cover their notebooks with Tinkerbell stickers. They love Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell paraphernalia is on back-backs, t-shirts and purses. This past year I noticed that Tinkerbell was bearing an uncanny resemblance to the pin -up art of Alberto Vargas. Yuck! Do you think the Disney merchandisers saw that, too? You bet they did. I think that is really creepy.


What do you think?

Happy Birthday, Alexandra!

Thirty-one years ago, on 7/6/77 our beautiful baby girl came into our family. Happy Birthday!

Bullying, the Series. Coming to this Blog.

As the school year gets underway there will be the usual stories in the news about the problems of bullying at school. There will be quotes from experts (who are always eminent) and lists of things that your child can do to deal with bullies and very little of it will be worth while. I have a different approach. Has it erased bullying in my classroom? No, not completely, but I can promise some new insights that will help both you and your child.

Here is your first lesson:

- think back to times you have been bullied and how you handled it.

- think back to times you were the bully and why you bullied someone ( bullying siblings counts) and yes, I think everyone has experienced both. Why? Here's something to think about - because bullying works and being bullied works, too.

What I learned at the dump

I know, I know. Dump is not a politically correct name, land fill is the pc word, but it is also the recycling center. I actually learned some tidbits that I thought I would pass on to the blog world, as there is so much green-consciousness going on.

THINGS YOU CAN'T RECYCLE THAT YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT YOU COULD:

- plastic grocery bags - I know you are encouraged to turn them in at the grocery store but we learned they can't be recycled. What do they do with them?

- yogurt cups - they are considered contaminated with food, and can't be cleaned.

- pet food bags - same as with yogurt cups.

-paper towels - same as with yogurt cups and pet food bags.

SOME OF THE THINGS YOU CAN RECYCLE:

- anything with a screw cap - just make sure it is rinsed out.

THE GUILT TRIP:

- there are people who hand sort through all the recycling that goes by on a conveyor belt to remove anything things that can't be recycled. Makes you think carefully about what goes into the recycling, doesn't it?

I DID IT!!!!!

After years of fruit less (and hairy) effort, after years of trying to follow directions that were complicated enough for a nuclear scientist, after feeling klutzy and incompetent I was finally able to put my hair in a French Twist. Ta da!

Ah, you may think that is a pitiful accomplishmnet unless you have tried it yourself. It didn't look perfect but it was a recognizable French Twist, and I am shamelessly proud of myself.

“You will not die …

…of embarrassment,” I assured my squirming six graders as I passed out permission slips for the G&D program. That’s “Growth and Development” or, as we used to say back in the day, “The Birds and the Bees.”

My sweetest little girl, Annie, came to me took a deep breath and said, “I might be the first.”

I am happy to say she lived through the experience.

By the way, sixth graders are still babies. They like hugs and bringing in treats for the class on their birthdays. They may see more on the movies and television than we ever did but they don’t, I can promise you, know anymore than the rest of us did long, long ago. I think it is always a healthy sign that it makes them blush.

THE ETHICS OF KID LOGIC

My sixth graders were asking me what kind of games I played when I was a kid. I told them that we played a lot of board games.

“Like what?” astounded there would be such a coincidence as that.

“Well, I guess you could say I played Monopoly with my older sister, Bonnie.”

“You guessed you played? What do you mean?” That was a murky answer.

“My sister was a notorious cheater.”

“She was?”

“Oh, terrible! She would, for instance, claim that she could collect $400 when she passed ‘GO’ because she was older.”

Then Keegan (not his real name) said one of those gems that only kids can come up with: “At least if you’re gonna cheat you should be fair about it.”

Truer words were never spoken.